joke time

jards

Well-known member
A donkey walks into a bar when he spots a horse at the bar so goes over for a chat. "What do you do for a living then?" asks the donkey. "I'm a racehorse" comes the reply. "Oh right" says the donkey, "have you won any races then?". "Well", says the horse, " on the flat I've won the 2,000 guineas & the derby, & over the jumps I've won the grand national & the cheltenham gold cup". The donkey is impressed & they have a few more drinks, & eventually arrange to meet at the donkeys house a week later for a meal. Before they meet again, the donkey feels a little inferior, what with the horse being so successful & all, so thinks he'll need to impress him when they meet up again. So after a brainwave, he goes out, buys a huge picture of a zebra & gives it pride of place in his home, hanging over the fireplace. When the horse calls round to the donkeys house, he says, "very nice place you have here, who's the zebra in the picture?" The donkey replies "that's not a zebra mate, that's me when I played for Juventus"
 

T28ColdBlowLion

Well-known member
There was a young man from leeds who had a bath in the fire. I said what to him what you doing? He said why, where's the bathroom?

(When i was 16 i did a 4 year apprenticeship as a maintenance fitter and I spent about 4 months with the blacksmith. He was a fuckin nutter. He told me that one day, it made no sense whatsoever, but I laughed all day coz he was a scsry bsstard. Still makes me laugh today 40 years later - but no idea why. It must have been him - or am I missing something?)
 

john stitch

Well-known member
A donkey walks into a bar when he spots a horse at the bar so goes over for a chat. "What do you do for a living then?" asks the donkey. "I'm a racehorse" comes the reply. "Oh right" says the donkey, "have you won any races then?". "Well", says the horse, " on the flat I've won the 2,000 guineas & the derby, & over the jumps I've won the grand national & the cheltenham gold cup". The donkey is impressed & they have a few more drinks, & eventually arrange to meet at the donkeys house a week later for a meal. Before they meet again, the donkey feels a little inferior, what with the horse being so successful & all, so thinks he'll need to impress him when they meet up again. So after a brainwave, he goes out, buys a huge picture of a zebra & gives it pride of place in his home, hanging over the fireplace. When the horse calls round to the donkeys house, he says, "very nice place you have here, who's the zebra in the picture?" The donkey replies "that's not a zebra mate, that's me when I played for Juventus"
thats a good one
 

ParisWall

Well-known member
A bloke walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm.

He says the octopus can play any musical instrument you can think of - who wants a tenner bet?

The old bloke in the corner fishes a harmonica out of his top pocket and tosses it to the octopus.

Sure enough the Mollusca plays a faultless rendition of the 'Genevieve Waltz.'

Everyone applauded the eight-legged cephalopod - so the old bloke coughed up a tenner.

The landlord then produced an trumpet from the back room.

The octopus belted out 'Cherry Pink And Apple Blossom White' - note perfect.

By this time the pub was in uproar as the Landlord handed over his tenner.

A carnaptious Scotsman sat in the corner totally unimpreed.

'I'll be back in a minute' he told the customers.

Three minutes later he walked into the pub with a set of bagpipes.

He threw them on the floor in the middle of the Pub.

The octopus circumnavigated the pipes a couple of times without making any attempt play them.

'Right' said the Jock 'where's mi tenna?'

'Hang on' said the bloke 'he's just trying to make up his mind whether to play them or fuck 'em!"