Daily laugh

TheOneAndOnlyGazza

Well-known member
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STWall

Well-known member
I phoned Heart FM today, to enter their mystery prize competition.
The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize"..
"That Fantastic!" I called out in delight.
"Feel Confident?" The presenter asked, "It's a Maths Question."
"Well, I've got a degree in Mathematics from Oxford University," I proudly replied, "and I've taught maths to A level students for the last 20 years"
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 VIP tickets to a Tottenham game and to meet the players after the game, what is 2+2 ?"
"7", I replied.
 

TheOneAndOnlyGazza

Well-known member
It had all been going so well with the new girlfriend, plenty of flirting, saucy Texts and photos, invites in for Coffee and of course the competitive one upmanship of compliments. She told me after a month of regular horizontal refreshment, that when she mates, she mates for life. Topping that, I said I too mate for life and a little bit longer as well.

She stormed out shouting big words at me that I didn't understand and refuses to take any of my calls or answer my texts, what the fuck is a necrophiliac?
 

BigPaul

Well-known member
I assume this is some anti scouser / rangers shit us normal folks who don't give a shit about don't get.
I’ll explain for you Gazza.
That is the Man U midfield from the time of Gerard’s prime.
No place for Gerard even at his best.
So, yes anti scouse and anti Gerard.
Its normally me that doesn’t get the jokes🤪🤪🤪
Happy to help.
 

Ulster Lion

Well-known member
What a silly bollox I am. I don't find it in the slightest bit funny, as its going to cost me, but I thought I would try to build up the brownie points with the bride.
Cut the hedges and swept up, mowed the lawns, and was just finishing off strimming a flower bed, when the strimmer flicked up a stone. Straight through the fucking living room window.
Of course, Mrs Ulster was lying on the sofa in her usual confused and half asleep state, when the big dopey fucker she's married to breaks the window.
She came to the door, not very quickly might I add, and said that she thought someone may have fired a shot.
Thanks for your concern, sweet cheeks.
No doubt it's going to sting me for a few hundred quid - money that could be better spent getting over for my first game of the season.
Happy Bastarding Sunday.
 

Overseaswall

Well-known member
What a silly bollox I am. I don't find it in the slightest bit funny, as its going to cost me, but I thought I would try to build up the brownie points with the bride.
Cut the hedges and swept up, mowed the lawns, and was just finishing off strimming a flower bed, when the strimmer flicked up a stone. Straight through the fucking living room window.
Of course, Mrs Ulster was lying on the sofa in her usual confused and half asleep state, when the big dopey fucker she's married to breaks the window.
She came to the door, not very quickly might I add, and said that she thought someone may have fired a shot.
Thanks for your concern, sweet cheeks.
No doubt it's going to sting me for a few hundred quid - money that could be better spent getting over for my first game of the season.
Happy Bastarding Sunday.
Did same last year matr,only through the car window, went like a fucking bullet